About the Blue Mommy

Hey there, I'm Kim! You can't tell it from the picture, but I'm a mom with, what I refer to as, high-functioning depression. It has plagued me since my teenage years, university years, through motherhood, my career, marriage, and it definitely played a huge role in what led to my divorce at the age of 50.

In reflecting on what led me to this point in my life, I realized that there are many other women and moms, in particular, who are struggling daily like I did and like I continue to struggle to this day. I always felt so alone, as none of my friends felt the way I did, and couldn't relate to what it's like to be depressed.

That is when I got the idea that my life experience does not have to be in vain, as I want to support other moms who are going through or have gone through similar circumstances. Know this! Your experience is common, and you do not need to feel alone! This is a safe space for all of us to share our experiences, learn from one another, and be part of a growing community of moms who need support to make it through each day.

So here is more of my story....

I had a happy childhood, on most accounts. I was the oldest child with two younger brothers. I came from a nuclear family with mom and dad. I also was very close to my mom's parents, my grandparents, and had another set of grandparents that I loved as well as a huge family of aunts, uncles, cousins, and more! We were always surrounded with people.

I grew up on a farm, where my love for all things outdoors grew. At one point, I had 23 (outdoor) cats that I cared for, rabbits, a dog, and many other farm animals. In summer, I was outdoors on my bike, at the beach, but rarely indoors. We even made rafts out of old cattle troughs and used them as boats in the flooded ditches. My brother caught on fire one day when my two brothers decided it was a good idea to set fire to one of their towns they had built with their Tonka trucks (Note: he was fine. My younger brother kicked dirt on him and put the fire out ;). In winter, we enjoyed snowmobiling in our large yard and beyond, tobogganing on the snow hils, skating and playing hockey on the dugouts, and so much more! Thinking back to the things we used to do, I'm actually surprised we are still alive!

But I did have one painful secret that I kept to myself and from my parents until the year I turned 50. It's still too raw to mention here today, but the other person has never been held accountable, and that's all I'll say.

It was during my teenage years where I started to notice the feelings of sadness. I was part of what I call the "middle" crowd - not the popular crowd but also not part of the crowd that never went out on weekends. I had a large number of friends, but let's face it - girls can be catty. I had two really good friends and another girl inserted herself into our crowd, and basically turned them against me. I still remember receiving the letter written by my one good friend, basically putting down what I wore and that the boy she liked (who may have been interested in me?) could NEVER be interested in someone like me. All I can say is thank goodness for my grandma, because if I had not had her to talk to, I don't know what I would have done. I remember walking to my grandma's house one noon hour, thinking how it would be better if I wasn't in this world anymore. But then I remembered that all I would be doing is letting those girls win, and I couldn't do that to my family. Yet, I kept getting up every day and doing my very best to get through the hurt.

Since then, there have been many other periods of my life (I'll discuss them in other places on this website) where I have felt like I'm sinking, but I have always continued to function. I FORCED myself to. Now, I want to make it clear. There are people with major depression who cannot force themselves to. So if you're reading this and you think that your loved one should just force herself to do things to get better, that's simply not the case. That's why I say I am a high-functioning depressed person. I have always kept going despite how terrible I feel inside at times. Not everyone can do this. But there ARE many of moms out there like me. We are high functioning depressed women. And it's not because we aren't grateful for the many blessed things in our lives (such as our children). Mine is definitely a chemical imbalance as I cannot function without antidepressants. But even with antidepressants, I still struggle. So if you can relate to anything I've said, I'd love to hear your comments and your story. Stick around as we form a community of moms who need one another in this crazy world of productivity and social media which can make us feel even less so!

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